Read on this commitment perspective on love marriages v/s arranged marriages and the source of happiness in life and relationships to keep a relationship going.
If you ever wonder what is the difference between a promise and a commitment, know that a promise is an agreement we make with others whereas a commitment is an agreement we make with ourselves. Can you imagine what this world would be like where parents would not make a commitment to their children or children would not make a commitment to their parents?
Employers and employees would not make commitments to each other or buyers and sellers would not make a commitment to each other or spouses would not make a commitment to each other? What kind of a world would we have? The answer is, a chaotic world.
In an interview with HT Lifestyle, Shiv Khera, speaker, author, educator and business consultant, shared, “The word commitment says ‘I am predictable in this unpredictable world’. Why is the world unpredictable? It is because things change, people change, circumstances change. The word commitment however, says I will stand by you no matter what. It does not say I will stand by you till I find a better option. Sadly today’s generation lives by the philosophy of love at first sight and divorce at first fight.”
He revealed, “Good relationships are built on emotional strength. Emotionally weak people cannot build lasting relationship because they are unstable and imbalanced. They are whimsical and moody. The same person who is all sugar and honey today, is the same person who is out to catch your throat tomorrow. You cannot trust them. Where is the relationship without trust? Since none of us is perfect, we keep hearing that one needs to be tolerant in order to build and maintain relationships. Nothing can be further from the truth. I would replace the word tolerant with mutual respect. Couples live together, not because they can tolerate each other but because they respect each other. Tolerance means postponing the blast. Mutual respect means emotional connect.”
He added, “My research tells me that two to three hundred years ago, there was no concept of love marriages. Most of the marriages were arranged marriages, which means marriage came first and love came after. Granted some of them might have had problems but by and large they lasted. Today, in the western world, almost a 100% marriages are so called LOVE MARRIAGES, which means love comes first and marriage comes after and they have 60-70% divorce rates.”
Calling it “a joke”, he said, “They have come up with a new concept of live in relationships, living together without making any commitment with a purpose of checking compatibility. They live together for 3, 4, 5 years, checking compatibility and then get married and within a short period they have a divorce. The question is what did they check? What is missing is commitment. Have you ever seen a compatible couple in this world? It is not compatibility that keeps a relationship going. It is our ability to live with incompatibilities in life. Other than values, nothing can be compatible. It’s all adjustment and understanding. When the commitment to stay together is stronger than the fight, the relationship stays. What brings mutual respect is the compatibility of values.”
Citing the example of a middle aged couple who went through a training program where there were a hundred people and the couple were sitting separately from each other, at the far ends of the hall, Shiv Khera said, “We have a question under the module of self esteem, “What would give you happiness?” I checked what the wife wrote. She had written ‘I would feel happy if my husband and children are happy and well settled’. Then I went to the other side of the room to see what the husband had written. He wrote exactly the same words ‘I would feel happy when my wife and children are happy’. In life, happiness is important but the source of happiness is even more important. Some people get happiness out of perversion whereas some people get happiness from selflessness and care. Relationships are not built just on love, they are built on caring and mutual respect.”
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November 07, 2023 at 11:13AM
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Beyond love: Keys to lasting relationships - Hindustan Times
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